Bearing the Burden
by Aespren
Summary: To say that the events of the previous mission had no effect on Armin would be deceitful, to say that he was no longer thinking about it would be an outright lie. His mind was always active; a mix of interconnected strings. This time, they all seemed to lead back to the same memory, and the accompanying feeling of shame. Takes place post chapter 53.


I wrote this fic as way of conveying my own thoughts of how Armin would feel after the mission ended, as well as how Jean would react to the events that happened. As well, the tumblr community was asking for a comfort fic, and I really wanted to write this just to see how it would work as well as to cheer the tag up a bit.

You can catch me on tumblr as Aespren.

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"You're back!" Before Armin was even fully in the room he knew that Eren was rushing over to them. They had just arrived back from their mission, and the group was shuffling into their new temporary headquarters. There was no doubt in Armin's mind that Eren had been sitting there the entire time waiting for them to get back, likely worrying about their safety and being frustrated that once again he was forced to stay out of the fight.

As Armin entered the room he could see that Historia was still seated, staring blankly over at them. Her eyes gazed over him for a moment, perhaps taking in how similar he looked while wearing her clothes. The look in her eyes never changed though and Armin was left clueless to her thoughts. Her expression had remained a constant ever since the new Levi's squad had formed, or rather, ever since she had been separated from Ymir. It seemed to Armin that she was always looking at a horrible sight, as if the world itself was no longer enjoyable to her. Armin wondered just how similar he must look to her right now. If the others had already thought he was passable as her before the mission, then the expression on his own face likely made the similarities uncanny.

"Armin, what the hell happened? Are you okay?" The blond boy turned his attention to his best friend, who now stood in front of him. He felt a hand run over his face, tracing a scrape that ran across his cheek. He knew that he probably didn't look too good from the other's perspective. Both he and Jean were battered; tears ran along their clothes, and dirt and scrapes ran along their arms and faces. The plan had been a success, but it had been one they had to work hard for. While Levi's squad had taken the enemy by surprise, it did not ensure that the enemy was not able to retaliate. Both Jean and Armin had taken a few blows once the men found out they had been tricked. Being tied up in a chair didn't exactly allow for much self defence. To say the least, they were both a bit worse for wear.

Armin raised a hand to his cheek, placing it over his friend's hand and squeezing it for comfort. "I'm fine, Eren." The words were so genuine sounding that Armin hoped he would soon be able to believe them himself.

There was no way that he could ever tell Eren what had happened. There were many moments in his life that Armin hid from his friend, and this was one of them. As a child, he had been the target of many bullies, and while Eren believed that he saved him nearly every time, there were many times where Armin had been beaten up when he wasn't around. He didn't tell Eren about those moments because even as a kid he knew just how much it hurt and angered his best friend to know that he had failed to be the hero. The one time that Armin did tell Eren about it had resulted in Eren chasing down one of the kids to his home and beating him up in front of his neighbours - an action which didn't go unpunished once those same neighbours had informed Carla of her son's actions. Hence, Armin had refrained from telling him about those incidents.

Over time, as the two headed into the military, the events that had happened to him became increasingly dangerous. He had nearly been killed on multiple occasions, the most memorable of which had led to Eren sacrificing himself and 'dying.' The pain had been so bad that Armin had considered just ending it all; he had given all his equipment to Mikasa, asking only to be left alone with a sharp blade. It was the lowest that he had ever felt in his life, and he knew that telling Eren about it would be the worst thing he could do. Unlike the other events, there wasn't even anyone for Eren to beat up. Armin had no idea how he would react to finding out the information, but he knew that Eren didn't need the pressure. It was for precisely those reasons that Armin had sworn to never tell him of the times when he was in danger. The important thing was that he was alive, and that's all Eren needed to worry about.

This time was no different. Eren didn't need to know what happened in the warehouse. Nothing had even happened, really. In the end, they had been saved and the only marks Armin bore were from when he had been knocked over and his chair had skid across the ground.

Honestly, Jean had received the worst of it, which Armin accredited to the fact that the man still thought he was a girl even after their cover had been blown, and had thus moved onto Jean to take out his anger.

"Geeze, Jean. What the hell happened to you?" Armin relaxed slightly as Eren's attention moved to the one who had gone undercover alongside Armin.

"Your shitty identity happened, that's what." Jean barked back.

"You sure it wasn't just your face?"

"There's nothing wrong with my face!"

"Really? 'Cause it's making me want to punch you right now!"

A hand fell onto Armin's shoulder, and he turned to find himself eye to eye with their captain. "There's a shower around the corner, as well as spare clothes." Levi spoke, pointing down the hallway.

Armin nodded and walked away from the large gathering. While seeing Jean and Eren argue was usually a point of interest for him, he couldn't focus on it at the moment, and their words quickly faded into obscurity as he left the group. His mind felt scrambled at the moment, as if the insides were just a mess of woven thread; all mixed together and near impossible to distinguish. Following any of them just led him back to the same tangled mess; his memories of the earlier mission.

He had known the entire time that the squad would come, that he would be safe. He, more than anyone else in the squad, except for perhaps Levi, knew and trusted Erwin's decisions. Armin trusted Erwin with his life. He knew that Erwin would protect it with all that he had, and if Armin did end up dying, that it was only because Erwin had deemed it a necessary action for the sake of humanity. It was a decision that Armin accepted with pride. Though, that was not to say that he was free of fear.

His mind had been filled with fear in the warehouse, though it was fear of a different kind. His mind kept wandering back to the moment, to the restraints that had been on his arms and the man that had equally restrained him with his hands. Even though they had left no marks, he could still feel the touch lingering over his body; the way the man had held his body, had ran his hands over his chest, the way his hands would 'slip' as they past as they ran by the collar of his shirt. He remembered-

"Armin!" The voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and the boy heard the sound of thudding footsteps behind him as someone ran up behind him.

The blond turned, coming face to face once again with the person he had been forced to stare at all day.

"Jean..." The name slipped out of his lips as a whisper, and Armin worried if perhaps he had said it too quietly.

"Hey, is everything alright? You left rather quickly."

Armin nodded, lowering his head to avoid Jean's gaze. He wanted to look him in the eye, to fool him like he had fooled Eren, but he found it difficult to even face him at the moment. When they were tied up, they had been forced to stare at each for what felt like ages. The way that Armin had looked at him earlier... he didn't even need to see his own face to know how badly his eyes had pleaded, how helpless he had been. He had asked for the impossible with his eyes, and his only response was for Jean to look away. Now their roles were reversed, and Armin was the one avoiding his gaze.

"I hope you know I don't believe that."

"Whether you believe it or not doesn't change its verity." Armin rebutted. If there was one thing that Armin was not up for today; it was a discussion of the mission, particularly not with Jean. His only hope was to pull on a face like he always did in demanding situations, and lie his way out until he achieved his goal.

"Listen, I know I'm not the most empathetic of people, but that doesn't mean I'm oblivious. I know you're not alright."

Armin flinched. He was used to the abrasiveness of Jean's words. After all, he had grown up with someone just as rough around the edges. Still, the words hit him harsher than expected. He hated being caught in a lie.

"Why'd you tell Eren everything was fine?" Jean asked.

Armin calmed his mind down, bringing to mind words that could cover this situation up. "It's our job to deal with dangerous situations, we need to be used to it by now." His words came out rigidly, as if he was speaking to Commander Erwin or Captain Levi. They were spoken as if he was conveying purely factual information.

"So what? That's all of our jobs. It doesn't mean you can't talk about it to your friend."

"It also doesn't mean that I have to burden him with unnecessary problems." Armin couldn't see how any of this was Jean's business, or why he was even interested. Usually when they talked Jean refused to even refer to Eren by name, let alone ask why Armin wasn't talking with him more.

"Yeah, but it also doesn't mean you have to carry a burden alone. Eren's your best friend."

If there was one thing that Armin could never let himself do, it was to become a burden on others. He couldn't let Eren find out about this, it would hurt him too much. He had never let himself depend on others up until this point, and he wasn't ready to start now. He had promised himself, back in their trainee days, that he would never be a burden on anyone. Ever since the day when Reiner had grabbed his backpack when they were running, Armin had made sure that he would never rely on others to do what he needed to do himself. When he had faced Jean, back in the warehouse, he had let himself slip. He had broke down and cried, and his eyes had been his only way of asking for help. He had been weak, and he had tried to pass that burden onto someone else. Even worse, he had known there was nothing Jean could do to help him. He had been weak; it was a word that Armin never wanted to associate with himself anymore.

"Eren has enough to worry about." He finally replied.

"So, you're not denying that there is something to worry about."

Armin's mouth fell open slightly for a moment as he realized what had just transpired. To let Jean get the upper hand in the conversation like that was a sure sign that he needed rest. His mind was running at full capacity, but none of it was the useful information he needed. He had never struggled in a difficult situation before, but he supposed it was the environment and the mentality that made it so. He always thought of the perfect things to do in life or death situations, but here he was, surrounded by his squad members and in a safe environment - it was making his mind lazy, unable to even consider coming up with good excuses. As well, the common factor in all those situations had been the fear - a motivating factor to make him think faster. This feeling... shame, he thought, was not one he was used to dealing with.

"There's nothing important to worry about."

"Something's bothering you so much that you won't even talk to your best friend about it, so obviously not."

"We're soldiers Jean. We deal with life or death situations on a daily basis. We're members of the survey corps, on some missions we aren't even expected to make it back. There's no reason for me to bring up trivial issues."

"Come on, that's ridiculous and you know it. When we were in training, I used to talk to Marco about the stupidest things. I used to make him listen to me for hours about a girl that I liked, or about how much I wanted to punch Eren in the face. We both knew that the world was dangerous, but that never stopped us. It's what best friends do. And... I know I'm not your best friend, but you're the closest thing I've had to a friend since Marco." A huff of breath was let out. "So if you're not going to talk to Eren, then at least talk to me."

Armin couldn't tell if the words were meant as a joke or if Jean was being serious. He had always been bad with noticing jokes, as Jean had pointed out to him before, but at this point the soldier might have as well been speaking in an ancient tongue. Armin's mind was unable to distinguish the meaning hidden behind the words, leaving for him to rely on their face value, which only served to confuse him further.

For a long time he hadn't even sure if he and Jean were friends. Originally, he had thought that it was impossible for them to ever be friends, due to their relationships with Eren. But over time they had become closer, and Armin knew now that there was no doubting that they held a bond. What that bond was, or the possibilities of where it could lead to, was something he admitted that he thought about a bit more intensely than he should... But after today, he wasn't even sure he wanted to think about where it was going anymore. If it were any day but today, Armin likely would have felt a warmth inside him at hearing Jean call them friends.

Even if he were to talk, he had no idea where to start. He didn't even know what to say; that what happened today had bothered him? That Jean looking away had hurt him? That he still wanted to cry? That he was ashamed? He wasn't even sure of his own feelings. He couldn't tell if he was upset because of what the man had made him feel, or if he was upset that he had even gotten upset over it in the first place.

"Fine then... I'll start." Jean's words were softer than usual, but Armin was still unable to distinguist the emotions behind them. "I'm sorry I couldn't do anything."

Armin responded in the only way possible, by dodging the intended message; "You didn't have any reason to do anything."

"Armin... what happened to you wasn't right." The words were heavy on Armin's ears. He didn't want to hear them, but he couldn't bring himself to stop listening. "When you were crying... I couldn't handle it. I wanted to do something about it, but I couldn't. So I looked away. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing you could do Jean, I knew that. I was just worried, that's all. We needed to last as long as possible in there, and I was messing up." The words were the truth; at least Armin thought they were. Armin had been the one to cause the problems in the first place.

"You weren't messing up."

"If I'd just stayed focused I could have ignored the guy. He might have even left me alone then. My voice could have slipped at any moment; quite a few times it almost did." Armin remembered how he had wanted to cry out, to whimper, to scream. It was like his body was just trying to let out some form of communication. He remembered how every time he let out a noise it only seemed to push the man further, to motivate him to hear 'her' voice so much more.

"Yeah, and my voice almost slipped just as often. I'm sure you know me well enough to know that I don't take shit from others, and I state my mind openly and honestly. I wanted to talk that guy out a new earhole, and I almost did more than once."

"Yeah, but they would have believed that, you-"

"This isn't just about you, you know." The words came as a surprise to the blond. He wasn't used to being cut off by Jean, who was more patient in their conversations than anyone else would believe. "Armin, you looked to me, and I couldn't help you. That's my fault."

"There was nothing you could do. We're members of the survey corps, we of all people should know not to rely on others to save us. Most of us don't end up coming back, and burdening ourselves onto others only makes the situation worse - we learned that," Armin repeated what he had said earlier.

The groan that came out of Jean's mouth was enough to let Armin know that he was clearly frustrated. "You can be really stubborn, you know that?" Jean spoke, and Armin looked at his face just long enough to see that his brows were furrowed. "Do you remember that time when I was almost killed by Annie and you saved my life? I was stupid and almost got myself killed, and you saved my life."

Armin blinked. He wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to respond, but Jean started speaking again soon after, leaving him with no time to think it over.

"Then I'm sure you remember when we chased Bertolt, Reiner, and Ymir down in order to get back Eren. I was so concerned with what I was doing that I didn't even notice the threat coming towards me. I was knocked unconscious and I was useless, but you still dragged me away from the titans and tried to defend me even when it was endangering your own life. I was a burden to you then. Then do you remember when you carried me on your horse behind you as you ran away from danger? I don't, because I was unconscious; I was your burden."

Armin felt a hand rest itself on his shoulder.

"Just this once, let yourself be my burden."

Armin felt a warmth slip around his shoulders as Jean's arms encompassed him. Soon, he could feel the warmth spreading through his body as the gesture turned into a hug. The areas they encircled were familiar, like the arms of the man that had grasped him before - but this was different. It wasn't... restraining. Armin could feel the tenderness in the touch, the way that the pressure was applied to his body softly enough to give him the option to break free, but firm enough to let him know that he was there; that someone cared. It was the first time that he had received comfort like this since he was a child, being held in his grandfather's arms.

Armin found himself relaxing into the embrace, and he felt his eyes tear up for the second time that day.

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I hope that this made some people feel better about the events of the latest chapter, and even more so I hope that our fandom will return to normal soon.

Feedback is always appreciated, so please feel free to leave me a message if you feel inclined.


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